You're going to your destination.
Your destination is awakening, liberation.
You do not have to carry the load.
The load is desire.
You want it very bad, and the more you want it, the more you're pushing it away, because a strong want, a strong desire, is a strong ego.
It's not desire you want to develop, it's love, compassion, understanding.
Let everything happen as it may.
When the smoke clears, you will still be who you are, and you'll be totally free.